Unfavorable Attitudes on the Part of Significant People
The third common psychological hazard during the prenatal period is unfavourable attitudes on the part of significant people in the child’s life. This is, in many respects, the most serious and far-reaching in its influence because once attitudes are developed they tend to persists with little if any real change or modification. There is evidence that many unfavourable attitudes toward children begin to develop when their potential arrival becomes known to parents, siblings, relatives, and neighbors. The most common and most serious of these attitudes are listed below:
Some Common Unfavorable Attitudes Toward An Unborn Child
Not Wanting the Child
The mother may not want the child because it is illegitimate, because it will interfere with her career, because it will tie her down, or because she is already overworked caring for other children. The father may not want the child because he does not want to be forced to marry the mother, because of the financial burden the child will represent, because he does not want to be tie down, or because he does not want his wife to be preoccupied with child care and neglect him. Siblings may not want the child because they resent the restrictions a baby will place on their activities or because they do not want to share their possessions or their mother’s time and attention with the new baby.
Not Wanting the Child at This Time
The parents may not want the child now because it will interfere with their educational and vocational plans, because they feel they are too young and inexperienced to care for a child, because they cannot afford it, or because they do not want to assume parental responsibilities so soon. Grandparents may feel that the young couple cannot afford the baby and may fear that they will have to provide financial and other help.
Preference for a Child of a Particular Sex
The father and the grandparents usually want the firstborn to be a boy; if there are already boys in the family, they may want a girl. The mother may want a boy to please her husband, or she may prefer a girl, who she feels will be more of a companion to her. Siblings generally prefer a child of their own sex, whom they regard as more likely to be a playmate.
Dream-Child Concept
All family members have a dream-child concept that colors their attitudes toward the unborn baby. Parents and grandparents want the baby to be perfect mentally, emotionally, and physically – bright, obedient, beautiful – and siblings want an ideal playmate, one who will do whatever they want to do and who will never rival or outstrip them.
Not Wanting Children of Multiple Birth
Many adults, even today, regard multiple births as animal-like or accept the traditional belief that children of multiple birth are doomed to be physical and mental weaklings. Others believe that multiple-birth children make too much work for all family members and dread the added expense for hospital care which is inevitable if they are premature. These unfavourable attitudes are intensified if conditions after birth are similar to those they dreaded before birth.
Wanting to Have a Miscarriage or an Abortion
When a baby is unwanted, regardless of the reason, some women hope they will have a miscarriage or they plan an abortion. If the developing baby’s life is ended, either by miscarriage or abortion, women often feel guilty and this unfavourable attitude carries over to any children they may have in the future. Should they decide against an abortion or should there be no miscarriage, they may feel guilty and express their guilt in overprotectiveness and overindulgence of the child they had hoped not to have.
Scorn for the Child
Relatives, friends of the family, and neighbors may have an unfavourable attitude toward the child-to-be because it is illegitimate, because of some stigma in the lives of one or both parents, or because it is the child of an interracial or interreligious marriage. As a result, the parents may become defensive and treat the child in an overprotective or overindulgent way to compensate for these unfavourable attitudes or they may reject the child because they feel embarrassed and ashamed.
A careful study of these attitudes may raise the question of why some of them are listed as “unfavorable”. For example, on the surface, attitudes toward the child’s sex and attitudes, influenced by a “dream-child” concept do not seem unfavourable. However, because they are unrealistic, they are likely to lead to disappointment or even resentment which will be expressed in intolerance toward the child or even rejection. If the child is not wanted, or at least not wanted at this time, attitudes are unfavourable from the start, and often little or no attempt is made to cloak them. A father-to-be may blame his wife for being careless and make her feel guilty about not preventing the pregnancy. This will lead to marital friction and resentment toward the child when it is born. If older children do not want the baby, they will show their resentment toward it when it arrives and also toward their parents for having had it. On the basis of observations of the adjustment difficulties that unwanted children experience, Ferreira has commented: “The psychiatric and social implications of these observations suggest a sober reappraisal of the current attitudes toward the unwanted pregnancy”.
Unfavorable attitudes toward children of multiple birth are often stronger and more persistent than those toward singletons. These attitudes are intensified when multiple births come unexpectedly and parents have not had time to adjust to them. Even when parents welcome the idea of a multiple birth, their attitudes may become unfavourable when they are faced with the realities of the babies’ care and the expense involved. An anonymous writer, quoted by Scheinfeld, has described such feelings.
The Joy of Twins
Drudgery that’s double or more
Laundering till your hands are sore;
Tangle of lines with soggy things drying,
Day and night chorus of yelling and crying.
Endless chores and no end of expenses.
Worries that drive you out of your senses,
Everyone bothering you with questions,
Everyone giving you crazy suggestions,
Husband complaining you’re no kind of wife,
Everything mixed up in your life.
If I knew whom to blame for twins, I’d sue ‘em.
Those who want twins are welcome to ‘em.
