The loss of a spouse, whether as a result of death or divorce, presents many adjustments problems for the middle-aged man or woman, but especially for the woman. The middle-aged woman whose husband dies, or who is divorced, experiences extreme feelings of loneliness. This is intensified by frustrations of the normal sexual desires, which are far from dormant, and by economic problems that are inevitable when the family breadwinner no longer provides for the family.
The man whose wife dies, or who is divorced, experiences a disruption in his pattern of living unless a relative can manage the home for him. A woman who is widowed or divorced in middle age often must give up her home, go to work, and live very differently from the way she did when her husband was alive or before her divorce. The woman alone also encounters social complications which men do not face. She may be reluctant to go out by herself, and the problem of entertaining is likewise awkward.
The effects of loss of a spouse differ according to the cause of the loss: death or divorce. These will be discussed separately.
Loss by Divorce
Loss of a spouse as a result of divorce affects middle-aged people very differently, depending primarily upon who wanted the divorce. A woman whose husband divorced her marry someone else will have different reactions from those of a woman who found her marriage intolerable and, as a result, initiated the divorce herself. This matter will be discussed in more detail later in connection with the hazards of middle age.
The problems middle-aged men and women face when they are divorced are similar, in most respects, to those faced by young adults. However, there are two problems that are especially serious for middle-aged women – social activities and economic well-being.
For divorced women, social problems are even harder to cope with than they are for those who are widowed. Not only may the divorced woman be excluded from social activities, but, even worse, she often loses old friends. While some will remain her friends, many will ostracize her or rally around her husband. As Goode has explained:
The divorcee is often anathema to married couples because she embodies tensions they may be feeling but are trying to overlook. Wives, suspicious of her motives, misinterpret her most casual gestures toward their husbands. Husbands, meanwhile, assume she is in a perpetual state of tumescence
The second major problem many middle-aged women face after divorce is economic. Unless they have readily marketable skills that they have kept up-to-date during their years of child-rearing, they will find it difficult to get jobs that pay enough to enable them to support themselves and any children who are still at home unless they receive adequate alimony from their ex-husbands. However, today there is a growing tendency for alimony to be given by the courts for fixed and short periods, rather than for life or until the wife remarries. This can and usually does have a divesting effect on middle-aged women.
Loss by Death
Except when death follows a long and terminal illness (evident to and acknowledged by all that death was inevitable) most middle-aged men and women go through a predictable course of grief. This course, as Conroy has pointed out, has four stages: first, numbness, when the individual is unable to grasp the reality of the death of the loved one; second, pining, characterized by recollections of past experiences and the strong wish that they could continue; third, depression, resulting from acceptance of death during which the individual goes into solitude and often resorts to some form of escape, such as pills or alcohol; and fourth, recovery, in which the individual accepts the death of the loved one and tries to build a new pattern of life with interests and activities to fill the void.
Death in middle age is far more common among men than among women. Therefore, widowhood is primarily a woman’s problem. The problems of widowhood in middle age, as listed and briefly explained below, are similar in some respects to those of divorced men, and women. But in many respects they are different and often more long-lasting and far-reaching in their effects.
Common Problems of Widowhood
Economic Problems
Some widows are financially better off than they were during their married lives, but they are the exception to the rule. Unless a man has built up a sizable estate and has carried large life insurance policies, the widow finds herself in greatly reduced economic circumstances when her husband’s earnings come to an end. With ever-increasing inflation, what widows receive in inheritance is frequently far from adequate for their needs. Even when a widow starts to work in middle age, she usually cannot earn enough to maintain the standard of living she has become accustomed to.
Social Problems
Because social life among the middle-aged, as is true of young adults, is pair-oriented, a widow soon discovers that there is no place for her among married couples unless there happens to be a widower who is invited to social gatherings to pair off with her. Most of a widow’s social life is centered around activities with other women. If she is economically handicapped, a widow is unable to participate in many community social organizations, such as clubs.
Family Problems
If there are children still at home, a widow must play the roles of both mother and father, and must face all the problems of one-parent homes described earlier. Then, too, there are often problems related to members of the husband’s family, especially if they were not congenial with the wife during the husband’s lifetime.
Practical Problems
Trying to run a household alone, after being used to the help of a husband with fixing appliances, cutting the grass, shovelling snow, etc., presents many practical problems for every widow. Unless she has children who can help her with these tasks or is able to do them herself, she will be forced to pay for outside help – an added strain on an already-strained budget.
Sexual Problems
Because the sex drive is far from dormant during middle age, widows who enjoyed a satisfactory sexual life during their married years now feel frustrated and deprived. Some cope with this problem by having affairs with single or married men, by cohabiting, or by remarriage. Others continue to feel frustrated and deprived, or engage in auto-erotic sexual practices.
Residential Problems
Where a widow will live depends usually upon two conditions: first, her economic status and, second, whether she has anyone to live with her. Many widows are forced to give up their homes because their economic condition does not enable them to maintain them. In such cases, they must move into smaller quarters or live with married children. If their health prevents them from living alone, they may be forced to move into a retirement home, or pay for a companion to live with them in their own homes, or live with a married child.
That many middle-aged women do not make satisfactory adjustments to widowhood is shown by the fact that, as a group, they are considered high risks for mental illness and for the use of escape measures, such as drugs and alcohol. These effects, it has been found, are not due to grief per se so much as to circumstances associated with widowhood, such as economic status, loneliness, opportunities for outside interests, and place of residence.
